Sgt. Silver #5 (Late Edition)

The Long Journey Home

So there we were, twenty or thirty of us, at the beach, a few in our tuxes, others of us in more laid back clothing. Junior Prom had been a blast, and, just like planned. we threw an afterparty at the beach. Most of our parents would have known that we were at a hotel, and the few of us who didn't have an alibi left late at night, or early at morning, depending upon your perspective. My date and I decide to seclude ourselves from the festivities, and us being tired and all, we ended up asleep right next to each other. Due to the heat, we must have completely stripped off all of our clothing while asleep too, but we luckily covered in one of the blankets we had taken along with us. That night, I slept pretty well, not knowing that this day would go down in infamy as the day they got Sgt. Silver back.

Morning came, and I woke up, a little drowsy and not in the best shape of my life. My date woke up soon after me, and we decided it was time to get dressed. Oddly, our clothing wasn't nearby, like it should have been. So, slightly discomforted, we both looked around and didn't see any of our stuff. Something was wrong here. I stood up, and I found a little plastic container nearby. It didn't look like junk that you'd find around here, mainly because it looked new, so I decided it couldn't hurt to see what was inside. When I removed the top of the container, I found a metallic unadorned key on the inside, but clearly a car key.

Things were starting to make sense. It struck me. I just got fucked. And so did my date. This went clearly against the unspoken rules of punking each other. I was pissed.

I guess this prank may have been easier if I was on my own, but having to deal with the commonfolk, you know, those who have never been exposed to the truly malignant nature of their crazen friends, forced me to have to deal with a lot of side issues. So there we were, naked, sharing one blanket as a substitute for clothing. I walked over the hill that secluded the two of us from the remainder of our party and saw no one there. I did, however, see a few people unrelated to last night's party and quickly ran back to my date to get underneath that blanket again. This was not good. And it didn't make sense to me how they could have all left so early. At this point of the day, a few people were beginning to arrive at the beach, and so my date and I decided we were best off leaving quick. So I took the key in my hand, we wrapped the blanket around each other, and walked off the beach to the parking lot where we had arrived, en masse, in a combination of rental limousines and SUVs the night before. After we arrived at the parking lot, we spent a good ten minutes looking for cars we would recognize. You'd be surprised how many older vehicles have car alarms. I think we tried the key on at least 12 vehicles. I was getting extremely frustrated. This was unlike the stupid pranks we had pulled off that spring break, there was no immediate punch line, this one was taking too long. Well, actually, it kind of was like the night we paid a guy to rob Derrick of his clothes in the middle of the night, but I pretended not to remember that, besides, it was a group prank, no individual actor was responsible, or wanted to take responsibility. Anyway, I was looking around to see a car that I would recognize, and suddenly, to both my relief and absolute horror, that car turned out to be a crappy, broken down, red 1979 Saab convertible.

The pieces were falling into place now.

I'll spare you the details of my conversation, but, suffice it to say that, suddenly, my date didn't enjoy sharing the blanket with me. Both of us having recognized the car, it was clear who orchestrated this evil prank. We got inside the car and encountered a wonderful problem that I was well aware of. The top of the convertible was broken. Driven at fast speeds, the hood would flap violently and belligerently. So we tried to drive while holding on to the hood, except my date would much rather hold on to the blanket to keep it at shoulder height and I was driving a stick and had no hands free. We were going to have to drive this car with the top down.

You'd be amazed how fast a 79 Saab convertible can go when you're naked.

So are cops.

At both the speed and the nakedness.

15 minutes had passed on the freeway and I got pulled over, I couldn't believe my fucking luck. The police officer pulled up behind the vehicle, white guy, in his thirties, mustache, and buzzcut blond hair. "Do you know what I'm pulling you over for?" he asked. I had a couple guesses, but I left them to myself, besides, it wasn't like I had time to answer the question anyway, the officer soon asked "what in the hell are you too doing?" I spent a few minutes in the strangest impromptu performance of my life. It was definitely one of those questions your teacher would ask you, "you're delivering a graduation ceremony speech, suddenly a naked blow up sex doll is floating towards your platform, what do you do?" My best friend got to answer that question the year after. But my question would have been: "You're inside a car, pulled over for speeding, and are naked, as is a girl next to you. You both have a blanket spread across the cented of the car, a cop is on your left asking you about your nakedness and 90 mile per hour performance, what do you do?" My date was livid, and I was trying to convince a cop not to give me a ticket or indecent exposure charge. After I explained the pertinent details of my day the officer just broke down laughing.

I thought I got off.

I didn't.

He walked back inside his car where he had a blue-ish blanket, for what purposes he had it I don't know, but it allowed me to have a substitute for clothing. He then asked me to come outside the vehicle and walk towards the cop car. This was just great. He put me on speaker and started telling the story to "dispatch," or whatever the hell they were called, and asked me countless questions in doing so. I felt like an idiot, one who was hearing people honking their horns at him.

Just classic.

After a few minutes of sadistic enjoyment the cop let me leave without giving me a ticket or even asking me for my license, which was good, because I didn't have it. As a thank you for "making his day," as he put it, he let me keep the blanket and drove off.

After I dropped off my date, who would never be my date again, I got home. parked the car, and broke into my house the same way I did when I was younger and didn't have a key. No one saw me.

Later that night, me and my friends smoothed things over as one of us was dropped off at a hospital with a broken nose, not me.

I guess you're wondering what I did to deserve this. Suffice to say that my preceding prank is still hailed as better than this one. Maybe another post, but not now.