Mauve Momma #11

I loved reading Commander Cream's post, and it makes me admire the kind of people who have lists of concrete things they would like to do before they die. I have my own list, too, but it is rather blurry in nature; it involves ideas more than the actions that will prove I have gotten there. Still, these intentions are a good enough compass to keep me pointed at the kind of life I want to live; I don't mind a little wandering around the path as long as I can still see where it leads.

There are two items on my Do-or-Die list that I have already accomplished, so we'll start with those.

I want to find my calling in life. And I have! I've pondered, and prayed, and done a lot of reading and looking around, and it has led me to the place I am: finding the best possible place for me to grow into an immigration lawyer of legendary proportions. I've figured out the ideal way to be challenged intellectually and do something needed and meaningful. I can't wait to start.

I want to love, and lose, and love, and hold on. I've had several serious boyfriends, and I was even madly in love once before now, but no one has ever been so ridiculously easy to love as PF. If he is around for the accomplishment of all the below, I will consider it an honor and a triumph to have such a irreverent, loving cheering section. No more on that for now lest I lose myself in a vat of cheese....

As for the items which I have yet to reach:

I want to understand God. Some days I feel like I almost do. And some days I look around at my four Bible editions, concordance, books on Buddhism and Western philosophy, and think I'm going backward. But that's okay. I want to be a spiritual person all my life, and when I die, I want to know that I left no stone unturned in my search for God and peace. I think that'll be enough.

I want to be a mom. I want to read with a little person on my lap who looks like me; I want to worry why she hasn't called and then find out I had nothing to worry about; I want to tell her boyfriend horrible, embarassing stories about her running naked down the street. I want to take my place in the generational march -- proudly and with good humor.

I want to give a lot of money away. Now that I know that I'll be a lawyer, I have to admit I might be quite well-off one day. That seems silly to me- I don't want a summer house or a boat or a designer wardrobe. So if I indeed end up with a good chunk of change, I want to do something big with it- finance someone's whole college education, or make a big anonymous donation to a nonprofit I really care about. So when I go, I'll know I didn't try to take it with me.

I want to develop a brave, adventurous spirit. This is the money one- the intention behind any specific item I could tell you, like "I want to swim the Great Barrier Reef" or "I want to skydive" (No, I don't want to skydive. I prefer the plane land me safely on the ground, thank you.) The reason we make those lists is because we want to grab everything we can and experience it up close- the sand, the cold water, the native drums, the thunderstorms. I want it too. But I'm not sure what forms I want my adventures to take yet.

And I don't think I even want to write a list of them. If I have a courageous enough spirit, I will say yes to all the ones I haven't thought of when they appear. Instead of going down a checklist, I will BE Adventure herself. And that way, when friends and mysterious strangers appear with their temptations: "Do you want to water-ski?" "Do you want to sail around Greece?" "Do you want to take a sculpture class with me?" I will say yes.

That way, when I am an old woman, I will look through my pictures and mementos and think: I had a lot of opportunities in my life. And I took them by the balls, baby.

And then I'll get up and go to Naked Model Day at sculpture class. Death ain't gonna catch me sitting at home.