Commander Cream #7

So this is pretty superficial. The truth is, all the men I have dated have had three things in common: They were taller than me, dark-haired and left-handed. I think that most of that was coincidence. If I could determine more specifically I found attractive, or even unattractive, then my dating history would not be nearly so strange.

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Do looks matter? On some superficial level, of course they do. But thinking about my friends, they are all good looking to me. Same thing with the guys I have dated. Somehow I doubt that I have lucked out and surrounded myself with the world’s beautiful people. It’s just that if I like people, I tend to think that they’re attractive.

That said, I do have one absolute physical dealbreaker for any potential significant other. He must be taller than me. Given that I stand at a grand total height of 5’2”, that’s not particularly challenging. But attraction for me is not about physical appearance. The real dealbreaker is superficiality (my own more than anyone else's). Everyone I meet seems very interesting in the beginning. But I get bored easily.

I’m rather embarrassed by my hypocrisy when I describe what I find really unattractive. So I’m going to introduce a rather poor metaphor in a fairly lame attempt to avoid “fessing up.”

The men I’m attracted to are like chocolate Easter bunnies. If you line them up, they all look pretty much the same. But nine out of ten are not solid chocolate. Instead they are a thin shell and hollow inside. The problem is, when they’re just sitting there, you can’t tell which ones are hollow and which ones actually have depth. You have to pick them up and nibble the edges a bit. Like most women, I strongly believe that the more chocolate, the better.

To extend the Easter bunny analogy, some guys cave in as soon as you start dating them. They begin to agree with everything. They write you bad poetry and claim that they cannot live without you. You’ve been on two dates. As sexy as our society finds vampires, I don’t want to date a leech. I love to argue and play the devil’s advocate. Agreeing with me defeats the purpose. Really, weakness is horribly unattractive. Insipidness is even worse. Fortunately, weakness and insipidness tend to go hand in hand, so I can eliminate those guys in one fell swoop.

But what then? Eliminating the weak and insipid still leaves something like 1% of all men as potential boyfriend material. There must be another round of eliminations lest anyone think my bitchiness is failing.

Hmmm…the next distinction is a bit hard for me to make. It’s more about whether our personalities will mesh. There is one litmus test that I can use. I have a rather unusual sense of humor. My friends are pretty used to it by now, but I can use it to screen new guys. For instance, there’s a running joke about my funeral arrangements. About a year ago, I decided exactly how I want my funeral. Usually when a new person hears that I have plans already, they want to know what I want done. Rather than explain in depth, let me just say that the dawning look of horror on their faces is usually amusing enough that everyone in room starts laughing. But the responses also tell me whether a relationship will work out.

I say: “The most important part is the bagpipes playing I’m too Sexy as the casket is carried in.”

His response: horrified silence. Not the guy for me.
His response: an attempt to talk me out of my plan. Not the guy for me.
His response: laughter. potentially datable guy.
His response: “I’m too Sexy sounds better on the didgeridoo.” definitely datable guy.

If he can answer my outré sense of humor with his own, that’s all I really need.

Oh wait, one more physical dealbreaker: he does have to be male. I just don’t find women attractive.