Grey Haven #1

I think that any lover I would ever have over any such long term would need to understand a quintessential fact about not just me, but all men: We are beings of fantasy. A tragically delusional and self-aggrandizing fantasy that you have reduced us to clinging to in our every waking moment in love.

And to that end, I hate John Cusack.

Let me jump back a bit...

I believe that John Cusack is responsible for every breakup I have ever had with a member of the opposite sex. I believe this because I have a deep-rooted sense of romantice that tells me love is true love when two people cannot possibly think of thier affections in the context of anybody else on the planet.

When someone feels a true love for thier partner, they cannot remember any of thier previos self's dreams of romance with anybody else but that true love that they have found. Forevermore, their every sentimental whim, thier every instant of passionate abandon, the very air of adulation that carries oxygenated blood to thier adoring heart is known in only the eyes of the one they love, and nobody else.

In my experience, women born after 1975 are incapable of this, and that is because of John Cusack. Actually, it's because of Lloyd Dobbler. For those who do not know, Dobbler is the name of the character played by Cusak in Cameron Crowe's 1989 love story "Say Anything", and the reason that forever more it will be impossible for a woman to truly love a man.

Because of "Say Anything", and because of John Cusack, every woman I know has a totally fabricated and unatainable ideal of what practical romance is supposed to mean. Because of Lloyd Dobbler, straight females have incredibley unrealistic standards of how sweet and charming and funny and affectionate and witty and handsome and FUCKING PERFECT a man can ever really be. Because of Lloyd Dobbler, there will never be a man that can be a girl's TRUE love, because no man will ever actually stand outside thier window with a big silver boombox blasting out 80s soft-rock hits until she proclaims she loves him back. Because of Lloyd Dobbler, Peter gabriel sucks.

Well, all right- Peter gabriel started sucking a couple of years before "Say Anything", but the point stands! Lloyd Dobbler ruined any hope a man could have of finding true love reciprocated by a woman for the rest of our natural lives. We are destined to dissapoint those we would have love us and we will always end up alone because of this.

And then we are left with a choice of simply giving in and hanging ourselves in the bathroom with shreds of the t-shirt you left at our house that smells like you and we never liked but we won't throw away, or perpetuating a beautiful, if self-defeating, fib.

And so we lie.

We have to lie to ourselves with the hollow fantasy that we are as special in the hearts of you, our lovers, as Lloyd Dobbler, innevitabley, is enshrined. We know that our attempts at romance will forever seem lacking next to the boombox telling you "we are complete/in your eyes". We know that our macho-ist attempts to impress you will forever be paltry and pathetic because we aren't kickboxers and we were in the high school drama club. We know that our sexual innadequacy is only more pronounced because we'll never be as good in bed as you THINK Lloyd Dobbler is after a DECADE of building him up in your minds.

Don't get me wrong. Dobbler did do some wonderful things for men. He proved that slackers with silly names and goofy haircuts can still get some action (thanks, by the way.) But in the end, he's also still the reason we buy leather pants you'll never see us in and write really bad poetry we'll never show you. We're forever in a competition that we know we can't win, and the best we can ever do is live the lie that you can truly love us the way that we love you.

So bear with me when I give it my best shot, okay?



Fucking Cusack.