YellowSubmarine

It seems that I’ve been interested in politics for almost as long as I can remember, and the pursuit of its workings and employment has been a major factor concerning the course of my life and studies. To that effect, I vividly remember my first lesson in politics.

When I was in second grade I went to a private religious school. It had kids from first grade on up through senior year of High School. At the beginning of the year they held the student body elections. Only certain seniors could run for office, but everybody got a vote, even me, a scruffy little second grade know-nothing in the back row. I didn't know either of the candidates personally. Honestly, before they came into the classroom which was the center of my scholastic world to campaign I had no idea either of them existed.

One Monday, amid a productive afternoon of discretely blowing spit-balls at the class bullies, two girls came into the classroom and the teacher called for our attention. She told us that one of the two girls was running for Student Body President of the school and they had come inside to talk to us. The girl who was running for office came in and said hello.

"My name is Kathy Dunhertz. I'm running for Student Body President. The election is in a week and I've come here today to ask for your support. I don't want your support for nothing either. My friend and I have brought two big bags of candy to share with the class. If you'll just raise your hands, we'll come around and make sure everybody gets some."

Naturally, this went over very well in a class full of second graders. As they were passing it out, I noticed every piece had her name on it. After the redistribution of the candy she added...

" Do you all like your candy?" (notice the transfer of ownership in the turn of phrase) We all nodded in agreement. " I want you to save a piece for election day. This Friday, when you're about to cast your vote, I want you to remember me. My name is Kathy Dunhertz and I gave you this candy. Now who's going to vote for me?"

As I look back on it I realize that even if it was incredibly patronizing, she was the only truly honest politician I ever met. The entire class roared in appreciation.

That Wednesday two guys came into class with their own candy, only this time there were three bags and not two. To everybody below a certain grade, the election became a contest not between Kathy and her opponent, but rather between Mr. Hershey and Mr. Mars.

I talked to an eleventh grade friend of mine in the vice principal's office on Thursday. Normally eleventh graders aren't friends with a second grader. They're two completely different worlds. But in our case we shared the talent for delinquency and the same problems with authority. Tell the both of us that we weren't supposed to talk in the waiting room, and naturally we're going to chatter on like a pair of wind-up teeth.

That particular Thursday I was there because the Bullies had found out who had been throwing spit balls at them all week and they beat me up and then had another kid say I started the fight. I guess you could say that what with the spit-balling and all, but to this day I maintain it was a pre-emptive air strike. On this particular Thursday my friend was coming back from the nurses office with a fat lip and a broken nose because of an impolite comment to somebody's girlfriend. Somebody, being the captain of the wrestling team and a genuine, world-class prick. No wonder we got along so well.

"So who do you think will win the student body election?"

"Don't know, don't care."

"Didn't you like any of their candy?"

"Candy? They didn't give us any candy."

"Well then, what did they give you?"

"Nothing. They just talked about how they're so much better than the other one and,'Do you really want them to represent you?'"

It turns out that they only gave candy to everyone fifth grade and under. From sixth to ninth grades they had been courting the vote by throwing better mini-parties and establishing themselves as the cooler candidate. Among the ninth graders and up half the people already knew who they were voting for, for whatever reason, and the other half were being appealed to by exaulting their own accomplishments and belittling the other's. Then of course there were the private parties after which I heard that word spread down through certain families that if the younger kids were caught voting for the wrong candidate, bad things would happen at home.

Every election I've studied, particpated in, or officiated since has run exactly along these same lines.

So did Kate win?

Alas, every populist election is little more than a popularity contest. She ran a good campaign, but her opponent ran a last minute smear campaign and in the end she just wasn't more popular. I don't feel too bad for her. In that school it would've been tough for anyone to beat the captain of the wrestling team.