Commander Cream #12

Do I weep for the past? I rarely indulge in weeping about my own choices. I made them, and there’s no unmaking them. But at times I do weep for choices outside of my control. I cannot help crying when I realize that this is a sick world we live in. The Holocaust, Rwanda, Sudan, Sierra Leone…I had no impact on any of these horrific events, yet they still draw tears. I weep for my inability to influence these events and fear that in the future I will still have no power to stop them. Somehow, though, this is skirting the question. Weeping and fearing for distant events really doesn’t address the principle of this question.

I have a simple philosophy for life: no regrets. But there's a painful difference between having a philosophy and living it. I have made bad choices. I have hurt my friends. I have been left weeping beside a grave. I cannot undo any of those things. I cannot sacrifice my life in a vain attempt to erase my greatest mistakes. No regrets? If you’re human, it’s not really possible.

Maybe I should come with a warning label (courtesy of Johnny Cash):

“I will let you down
I will make you hurt”

Perhaps I need a philosophy with a lighter note. The Pirates of the Caribbean might work: “Take what you can. Give nothing back.” No, I’m not talking about theft or selfishness. I’m talking about life experiences. When a friend needed me, I wasn’t there. I can’t undo that. Trying to forget would not make me a happier or a better person. So I won’t make any attempt to give it back. Instead, I will occasionally indulge in a bout of tears, remember my failures, repeat my vows to do better, and carry on.

As for the future, the only way to avoid fearing is to avoid thinking. I don’t know that it’s possible to live solely in the present. If you want to get anywhere, you must have goals. And that’s really the trouble. When you commit to a goal, you give the world the power to disappoint you. One way to avoid this is solid, old-fashioned pessimism. A good friend of mine explained why he was a pessimist: if things go wrong, you’re expecting it. If things go right, you’re pleasantly surprised. I simply do not have the temperament to always expect failure.

So I don’t expect failure, rather I fear failure. I fear that once again I will let down a friend. I fear that someone depending on me will learn just how unreliable I can be. I don’t fear for myself. If my complete and utter lack of common sense hasn’t killed me by now, then I figure that I’m pretty safe. But are other people safe from me, or even safe while counting on me? I weep for when they haven’t been. And I fear for when they will not be.

"What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end"