Russet Ranger #1

The truth of it all

Yes, honey, we may have been intimate multiple times over the last couple of months, but there is much I have yet to tell you. This thing, which I have been hiding from you, is something that I have feared bringing up, but was well aware of the conversation’s inevitability. This knowledge of my existence, the very essence of my being, defines not only our relationship, but also may be the cause of you leaving me.

No, it’s not that I have been sleeping with other people, you already knew that.

What do you mean you didn’t know that? I told you every time you called; “no, I can’t see you tonight because I am sleeping with other people. And, yes, ‘people’ is the plural of ‘another person.”

I fail to understand why you thought I was kidding when I said it to you at least three times a week.

Okay, well I was attempting to feign wit every time I said I was sleeping with your mother…and your father too.

Dammit, I don’t want to discuss your sister right now, let me get back to my point: Darling, I am a debater.

Yes, it might seem trivial now, but in the coming weeks and months you will begin to regret this weary existence.

Well, for starters, I will be gone multiple weekends, sometimes every weekend, each month. You will weep for me as I have to sleep on a well-used hotel mattress and not in the arms of the woman I love, but will be off arguing about politics amongst a sea of ignorance that contains extremely small drops that pretend that their individual voice may matter. These individuals believe they can effectuate change and will argue the mundane details of any policy, no matter how infallible it is. Though, from my perspective, everything is fallible.

Please don’t bring up my love for you after I make a comment like that.

Back to the subject at hand, I will be a national, and at times, a world traveler. The distance will be in mere miles, but our connection will be as strong as a bad cell phone plan, because I signed up with Verizon.

I know what he said.

Yeah, well your farther is also a plagiarist.

Because when he attempts to speak to me, his sentences become so disjointed that the only way one could learn to speak in such a horrid manner is if they were taking lines directly out of a Spanos book.

Hm, I didn’t realize that…but I am pretty sure illiteracy would make the man more decipherable from an academic standpoint. Regardless, as your father is labeled to have a socially constructed disorder, I too am afflicted with something that might be beyond my control.

Well, serious in that it is the only reason why you were with me in the first place. It is called GDS or Good Debater Syndrome.

Your former boyfriend in high school claimed to have it? What was his name?

Oh, no, what he had was BDS or Bad Debater Syndrome. That’s when a bad debater thinks he has GDS, but is overcompensation for his lack of debating and relationship skills. Typically being a debater and having a functioning relationship is mutually exclusive, but more often than not people are bad at both.

Continuing on: debate will, and currently is, taking up a large part of my life. However, I can never sacrifice any of my debating for you, as you see, anytime my affinity with or skill in debating decreases, your attraction to me will also in a proportional manner. Consequently, the only way you can really ever be in love with me is if I am in love with debate – and this is a sacrifice we are both going to have to make.

I am glad you are supportive of my co-curricular activities. However, saying that you will love me no matter makes me a bit suspicious. Unconditional love is hard to come by and such words can be just as empty or as meaningful as one wants them to be.

You really do love me no matter what?

Okay, I really wanted to tell you that I have been sleeping with your brother.

Actually, your father suggested it.