Commander Cream #1

Fantasies about cotton underwear? I hope that that really isn't a surprise for my live-in lover. But then again, every guy I have ever dated has had a very active fantasy life. In my experience, there have been two flavors: the “you are my fantasy” type and the “why aren’t you my fantasy?” type. I’m not sure which is preferable. At least I get rid of the latter type much faster.

So now I will present a hypothetical scenario where I move in with any of my exes. The first type is pretty easy. These men have blinders on. Like anyone else, I have my faults. In fact, I am very open about my faults. I am arrogant, self-absorbed and capricious. I do have some good qualities, but my faults are not really overwhelmed by my good qualities. In spite of this, some of my exes never see me without rose-tinted lenses. So let’s say I move in with my high school sweetheart who we will now call Andrew. Andrew notices that I don’t just have sexy underwear- I have the plain cotton kind too. Andrew immediately incorporates this into his fantasy rather than allow it to disrupt his perfect worldview. Then we get to some real faults…like I become so occupied with other activities that I begin to spend more and more time away from home and less and less time with Andrew. Men with a modicum of self-respect would bring this to my attention. But not Andrew or any of his isomorphs. Instead, this too becomes a part of the fantasy. Commander C. is so distant because she knows that other people need her. She is too good for me…etc. etc. etc. You can’t fall in love with someone who can’t see you.

I never let myself become too involved with the second type, but let’s pretend I move in with my last boyfriend, who we’ll call TA (The Asshole). Now, healthy people recognize that they have a fantasy love life. They also recognize that no one will really live up to their ultimate fantasy. The problem with TA was that he knew he had a fantasy. He just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t live up to it. So what would he have to get used to if we lived together? I love cooking for people. That doesn’t mean that I cook every night. I love listening to my friends. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my own problems. TA could never accept either of these things. His interpretation of everything was that I failed. If I decided that I needed to actually study instead of cooking a gourmet meal, I wasn’t smart enough. If I needed time to deal with a family crisis, I wasn’t paying him enough attention. TA didn’t last very long with me. His fantasy was that a live-in lover would be a chef, a therapist, a secretary and his lover. As a girlfriend, he just expected me to be a chef and a lover.

So in my experience, I don’t want to move in with either type– if I want adoration, I’ll buy myself a puppy. If I want incessant criticism, I’ll call home. Someday I may find a guy who can actually see me for who I am. If that happens, he’ll have to be someone who is willing to stand up for himself when I throw myself into a project. And he’ll have to accept that I do have my own problems. It's not the little fantasies that will kill love, it's the huge unreasonable fantasies. And really, if cotton underwear is a surprise to that guy I hope to find…or any guy, really, then maybe my fantasy life is a bit out of control too.

Oh yeah...I also sing in the shower. Badly.